Working through child emotions

Lessons from Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT)

What is DBT?

“Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a research-based cognitive behavioral treatment model that was originally developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan. DBT maintains that some people have strong reactions to stimuli and experience high levels of arousal that need more time to return to baseline after these events occur. Learning DBT skills helps us manage feelings of having constant ‘crises’ and/or experiencing extreme emotions.”

The dialectical nature of this approach means that it is perfectly normal for children and adults to feel two feelings simultaneously. For instance, someone may feel stressed and engaged. Sad and angry. Melancholy and calm.

Helpful Tips

Validate:

Validate your child’s feelings and emotions. Sometimes they won’t even know what emotion they are feeling because they are not an adult.

Describe the feeling:

Help them use words to more effectively describe their feelings if they don’t have the vocabulary. Being upset is the “general” term. Going a step further you might say, “I hear that you are upset. Are you angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, etc. Help them go that one step farther and it shows your child you want to understand what they are really feeling. Even if they don’t truly realize it.

Find the facts:

Try to understand why they are feeling this emotion. What was the initial cause (trigger) of the feeling? Find the facts and leave your emotion out of it. Ask them questions such as: “who, what, when, where, why, how” questions.

Do not get on their roller coaster:

Allow your child the freedom to express the complete emotion. Just because they are having a strong emotion does not mean you need to feel it too. Imagine your child’s emotion is like a roller coaster. Just because they are on the roller coaster does not mean you have to ride it with them. Then allow them to make a complete ride. You will know instantly when they have finally stepped off the roller coaster. Once they step off of their emotional ride, then, engage in conversation. Think for a moment you just received a phone call that your mother has died. That is not the time to have a conversation. It is the same equivalent for a child.

Be mindful of their proximity comfort:

Physical touch can be helpful as well if they are open to it. They might not be but that is okay. Give them the physical proximity they are comfortable with. Holding them, holding a hand, hand on their foot, sitting near them, sitting with open space between. Find where their comfort level is. Let them cry. Let them speak. Just sitting silently until they are ready to talk. Staying silent and possibly discussing at a later time when their emotions are not as heightened.

TIPP Skills

Are an acronym for Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, and Progressive Relaxation. They are Distress Tolerance tools, TIPP skills are primary and vital. TIPP skills ask that we change our body chemistry to regain control of our emotions and behavioral responses. If your child is having a major emotional response help them practice some deep slow breathing by doing it with them and modeling it in front of them. You might also try a cold washcloth or refrigerated gel pack. In my experience, these two options work best with children.